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Hans Moleman

Hans Moleman, on The Simpsons, is a 4-5 foot tall mole-like man. He looks to be quite old, has cataracts and is partially blind, cannot read, and uses marijuana (mentioned in the episode "Weekend at Burnsy's"). He drove the truck that ran over Lisa's "saxamaphone". He is secretly the leader of an underground civilization of "Molepeople".

He created a "hit movie", called "Man gets hit by football." The highlight of this film (in fact, the only scene) is reminiscent of the "Funniest Videos" television shows: Hans awaits a passed football, but he misses the catch, the ball hits him in the crotch, he falls to the ground in pain.

Hans has escaped death innumerable times: Burns drills into Hans's head. He drowns in quicksand. Is run off the road. Run over by Homer J. Simpson. Fell out of a window. Dr. Hibbert forgot Hans and left him in a fluoroscope[?].

Hans drives a 1977 AMC Gremlin, and carries a brown cane with him everywhere. He has a slight crush on either Patty or Selma.

When Homer hired cult deprogrammers to return Bart to him (in episode "Burns's Heir"), they kidnapped Hans by mistake. He was soon "deprogrammed" and returned to Homer and Marge: "Mom, Dad, I missed you. Cowabunga, dudes!"

He runs an early morning radio show, on which he introduces himself as "This is Moleman in the Morning, Good Moleman to you".

Hans Moleman Quotes

  • "Please take me somewhere happy."
  • "My doctor never told me that. I had to hear it from Phish." (upon learning that his body is in terrible shape).
  • "Alcohol has ruined my life... and I'm only 31 years old."
  • "I think that I shall never see: / My cataracts are blinding me."

See: Characters from The Simpsons

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