Wikipedia:Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense/Peterson-Heimstead

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Known internationally as a world traveler (the U.S. and Canada), Carol Ann Peterson-Heimstead is revered among the loggers of Ontario, Canada for her stunning rendition of an Ontario trout stream.

Among her many accomplishments are her ability to ride herd on her children and grandchildren, but especially her ability to keep a recalcitrant husband from hurting himself too badly. In this respect, her training methods are highly regarded in psychological circles, especially her reaction to her husband's story of going fishing all night when his fishing equipment never left the garage.

On her job, she is hailed as being adequate, and as a cook, her many culinary disciples regard her as "pretty good." Carol is Norwegian in ancestry, so that explains a lot.

Statuesque and svelte, even at the age of (whisper) 60, Carol Ann has become somewhat of a folk legend in the Midwest, where it is reported, though not confirmed, that she refused for weeks to use the corn-cobs in a northern Wisconsin outhouse. This episode ranks right up there with the absolutely true story of her adventures in attempting to seduce her husband by pretending that she was afraid to go to the bathroom alone in the middle of the vast Canadian wilderness.

The crowning rendition of her northern adventures, however, is reported in the "Chronicles of Nipagon", an ancient fishing saga. In this manuscript it is recorded that she played an integral role in the partial demolition of an abandoned Canadian dwelling, the total destruction of a perfectly good minnow bucket (complete with poor minnows), and the running down of an innocent sign post. It is also reported that the ground shook and the weather literally changed forever when she discovered that fishing lures do NOT cost twenty-five cents each (see recalcitrant husband). The culmination of the chronicles reveals her run-in with the Ontario loggers mentioned above.

Archeologists have recently discovered what may be an epilogue to the "Chronicles of Nipagon" which, if proven authentic, reveals that Carol's recalcitrant husband may, indeed, be the Wild Spearman of the North, a heretofore mythological character much feared by ancient Canadian park workers. The epilogue also mentions Carol in connection with an incident which involved sleeping in close quarters with other legendary figures. The tome reveals that Carol woke suddenly in the middle of a dark Canadian night and kept repeating "Moon. Moon." over and over. For a while it was thought that she was calling upon ancient night-time gods, but it was quickly revealed that she was gazing, enthralled, upon the bare backside of one of her camping companions. These, events, of course, require validation before they can officially be included in the "Chronicles of Nipagon."

In spite of her ancestry, and in spite of her penchant to inspire near-fatal occurrences, Carol is much-loved by her friends and family, most of whom are totally in awe of her accomplishments in raising relatively normal children and grandchildren, and of course in keeping her recalcitrant husband from hurting himself too much.

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